An Honest Expression
There are times when life throws us a curve ball when we are expecting a fastball. During those times, based on how we read the signs, we expect our situation to end up with a desirable outcome. Then out of nowhere, circumstances change right before our eyes like someone cutting us off in traffic. Ever felt like that? I had such an experience earlier this week. My wife and I are in the market for a car. It’s been weeks maneuvering, thanks to friend, getting our kids to their respective events and getting to and from work with one car. We got approved for a loan, which, to be honest, we saw as a miracle since we were behind with some bills. We were excited, giving God praise for this blessing!
After a couple of weeks searching for a ride, I could not find a reliable used car under a certain mileage for the loan amount we got. So we requested approval for an additional 3K. To our surprise, we were told because we are behind with some bills, we needed to catch up before we could get any of the loan. That news stopped the record on the turntable in my head with an abrupt scratch:
I could feel the storm of overwhelming emotions i.e., confusion, disappointment, sadness, irritation, frustration and anger brewing into a self-destructive toxic emotional stew. Being aware of this, I began to use skills I teach my clients for re-centering in the midst of a storm. I called two of my friends, told them where I was and to keep me in prayer. I was not in the mood for any encouraging cliché-ish words of encouragement, i.e., this too will pass, it was not meant to be or the Lord will not give you more—yadi, yadi, yah. I then focused within to see how I was doing and encouraged myself to not try figuring this out in the space I was; and to just be present with the emotions without any judgement towards myself or the bank or life.
I had one more client to see that day, so I had to get it together. I went to God and let Him know I needed Him right now. I continued with a brief mindful meditation to accept that there was nothing I could do in that moment and that it was ok. I asked the Lord for peace, grace and wisdom to support me with my next session.
As soon as I got home that evening, I took a nap. When I got up, I meditated again to assess how I was feeling and what thoughts were triggering those feelings. I realized my issues were with God. I felt moved to write out my thoughts and feelings about this. I would like to share this moment of vulnerability with you:
So hard, so hard it is to be present
When holding on to the expectations and beliefs
of a false sense of self, value and worth
that I believe to be true.
I am tired of being in this space of financial need,
emotionally malnourished, physically unfit, and
So tired I am.
Lord, I have deduced it is you I’m having issues with.
It is you I am struggling to connect with in this space.
It is you I hold responsible
for my soul’s healing, nurturing and development.
Hold me as I express my concerns, in the space I’m in.
While in the process of being one with you,
Don’t judge me in my space of honest expression
But teach me in this funky space, to differentiate
my identity from these beliefs and expectations.
I ask of you in this moment to
fill my voids, meet my needs,
reprogram all levels of my conscious mindsets
to align with your Loving Spirit.
Holy Spirit, perfect Communion and Expression of Divine Love,
call me to come onto thee, as I am.
Pass me through the Blood of Christ,
That I may see myself fully, as I am.
And be who I am in the Oneness of God Almighty.
I am tired of the fight, the struggle and the guessing game.
I am so tired.
O how I need you, my Lord,
I so need you right now.
“Be where you are. It is the best place to get you to where you want to go.”
— Warren Mitchell, LCSW